Mean Shit

Doesn't need to stay forever

Thank you Alex Kiselev

http://alameda.peralta.edu/Projects/20430/Intro%20to%20Philosophy/Good%20Brahmin.htm

This resonates a lot with me

Busting a mission

The most satisfying feeling. Who knew?

The Consortium

Yeah, sorted out.

Drama Queen..... no, not me.

Alright, cool

Yeah, it's finished now. Inner compartmentalization. All clean and tidy in there. No tricks or traps hiding. You know, it's all been figured out, been picked clean. It's a wonder I made it get this way, things fit inside well, and there's room for so much more.

There was this elephant in the corner but we kicked him out.

Stupid Elephant you can't fill up the whole thing by yourself, just because you're there doesn't mean I have to deal with you. You leave, and don't forget your baggage, I heard it was full of things I'd never have anyway.

When one's time is up, another's begins

We're just slaves to this word called time

If you read this, listen to these two suckers

They make a lot of things better because they are so ephemeral.

I'm not a drama queen, thanks for the wake up call though, I was approaching Grand Central Station, and rapidly blowing things up to gross proportions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4COiiDXkgBM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8VdofcwhKg

This is my blog and I'll post girly music if I want to dammit. I like what I like.

It's only a paper moon, Just as phony as it can be - But it wouldn't be make-believe If you believed in me

I'm so stupid. What I come up with is very stupid. I have bad idea's I think are sincerely good ones.

I made an uh-oh.

Who's to say the outcome. I blogged a shitload in the last 24-hour time span. Anything with even fleeting concern I just slap up here and avoid dealing with the headache myself, once I blog about it, it's out and gone. I've got a decision or something coming up, so I need to choose, at a minimum, a choice that isn't the worst one.

But who knows. Who knows who knows who knows

Sincerely written by your favorite 5:00 in the morning insomniac,

(I told you I went to bed because I was scared to talk anymore)

-Adam "Captain Underpants" Ismail

7:00 Edit: I was thinking when I die I want so be cremated and thrown into the ocean. I can become a part of something greater. I might want to spend a lot of life at sea. It's barren wastes are vast, and it's flourishing beauty can be found when you simply want to find it. It yields only what you desire, and it can never do wrong. I need to make up for wrongs, and I wonder if maybe I just need to become a stoic ocean.

Last one, I promise

It became really apparent that not only do I not know what I want, I don't know what's good for me either.

It's a question of ethics. What do you do at times? I don't know, I don't do anything. Or it isn't anything in comparison to what should be done. Lacking, failing, underachieving, it's a perpetual motion device where feeling inadequate only fuels the fire further.

It's been super shifty this evening. Very much so. Up down all around, take you down to tasty town. So you find me I'll find you, we'll just mutually agree to meet sometime in the future Lady Luck. You've been a stingy bitch, I mean at least share what you've got every once in a while.

I may know better but I'm a still a gambler.

Gambler. High Roller.

Gambler.

I never put anything on the line and gamble with only things that have no value, physical or not. If I wagered big would it even payoff? I wish I could just not and say I did, it's not that way for everyone. But tell you what. Chips are on the table I guess. Go ahead and surprise me. What I've come to expect, it's not that it's loss of hope. Who knows what it is but I've heard I have hope but that's only one letter away from dope and I think that's more fitting. Roll the dice, every soul has a price.

Mickey Avalon is still cool, don't lie to me. Maybe that's the dope talking.

I swear I'll gamble it this week.

Lame lame, blame blame

There is no right there is no wrong there's only the fleeting sense of purpose

Red post, short post, three post, another post

My answer is no

Wow

Adam you done fucked up right good tonight

My last post sucked

I mean it, if you read it, I was feeling pissy and just wanted to find meaning in something. Anything really, and it was really shitty stuff looking at it. I'm not that shitty

Not often

Mostly not always

I hope

To All My Friends,

Adam Daniel Mounzer Ismail

Another Reflection

I'm sitting here this morning with a seemingly infinite gap of time between now, and ten minutes until I need to go downstairs and head to school. It seems as good a time as any to go ahead and put up a short ten minute reflection on the general state of things, that's why people read this if they even do, they have a concern for my general state of things and my outlook on them.

The weekend, absolutely incredible. I met what felt like an old friend I knew for years for the first time on Saturday and realized a handful of things. The most pertinent being I'm far from alone. Sometimes you think your problems are unique, your thoughts are unique, your feelings, emotions, and insight, all unique. But they are far from it. Unlikely people in unlikely places with parallel you when you least expect it, and it's both humbling and gratifying to know no matter what, somebody has definitely been where you have, and by extension, there has been someone who has been where you are and persevered. An enjoyable day all around, Saturday was not so much insightful as it was just fun, but I'm one to try and make something of nothing, so finding more than there really was is probably just wishful thinking on my part.

Sunday was a wonderful trek through a Mountain I never knew existed, one perched just at the end of Lake. I appreciate that I was brought to this location, I greatly appreciate the company I was given because like no other right now, I confide in this person greatly for they listen and retort in a manner I like to listen to. The silence only provided times in which important things could echo, and it was a balance between silence, the natural beauty and the times of conversation that made it a really good experience for me. In addition, the ruins of something greater made me realize the short handed power of people, in that we can be as far reaching to scale mountains and plant atop them lavish resorts, but all the same it is "The Human Condition" that many things we make and do are short lived.

In that sense should we strive to make our products last longer? I think I want to only make my products last long enough to be remembered, that would be good enough.

I'm really sad thinking about this and now I'm going to go to school all dismayed, but a year from now I won't see you. Should I ever see you again, it will be in a very long time. I don't like that, not at all, but there's nothing that can be done, and days like yesterday make me want to hike all the time with you regardless of heat, regardless of other people, and regardless of lack of water. All I can say is thank you, it's the most I've received from someone in a long time, even though you may not have realized it.

Waltz For Life Unborn

I hope someday I'll influence somebody young so they can surpass me as a human. I'll have made the standard of living better in light of what everything is for me.

"everything i say comes directly out of my ass "

I was up all night again, I despise that happening more than anything because for the wee hours of the morning when there's nobody else in sight and I'm alone, I feel an overwhelming sense of self pity. It's like I'm awake because I'm alone, I'm alone because I chose to stay awake. That circular thinking then makes me feel like a buffoon because I can't come to any conclusion, and then I just cry because when you've reached the point where you call yourself a buffoon it's far from good.

What happened to my good day? The clock hit midnight and it became a whole different ballgame. Two days seem to blend together so frequently, and yet today, they were starkly separated by the change in mood that was incurred at nearly the instant the date incremented by one. Like a man turning into a werewolf, happy and blissful Adam transformed into the moody prick that seems to rear its head more often than everyone's favorite version of myself, and for 6 hours that foul Adam rampaged about, laying into all that it laid eyes on about shitty conceited emotions and thoughts.

I wish I could have other people tell me what they feel and what they think so I could stop talking about me because I do it all too often. This whole blog is certainly an extension of that, but entirely too often I find I'm just talking about me, when without a doubt, me hearing about someone else would be beneficial. I know myself, I know my thoughts and what I have to say, and if I continue to just be an ass and keep saying them I'll never get better, I'll never have people like me more, and I'll never find my missing thing that I've yet to even identify.

A wise woman told me " everything i say comes directly out of my ass " and how true is that with me. I'm looking to repair that someday, and find somebody else who has realized that they speak exclusively out their ass, and then together we can make the arduous journey to the mountain top to achieve a goal that has no meaning to anyone, but is still valued for no reason.

I'm concerned with too many trivial things, I wish I had a passion and I could sink all my time in one thing that way I would never have to be around people, and I could spend less time with myself. Inside my room, and being alone is a dangerous combination for this kid.

What Happened?

Today is just so good, literally nothing can ruin it at this point, a truck with too much momentum is hard to stop, and a good day for Adam has too much going for it, there's no way to ruin it at this point.

Yes!

"...virtues are just as valid and important to recognize as..... vices"

How about mine? I feel like I'm stuck at a net gain of zero, and I want to at least hit plus one someday.

Take My Hand and Bring Me to Places Unseen

What did I do this week? I went to school, came home, slowly dulled my brain in a virtual world, and talked to one person in particular throughout the week consistently. When things become that set in stone, when I can sum up not one day but seven in a single sentence I feel like I'm failing. I feel like with consistency you lose the facets of life that matter and provide joy. It's not to say I didn't derive some form of joy from any of those activities, but all the same it's never in the strict regime do people flourish and find greatness.

Regime.

Has it come to the point where I consider daily life a regime? I'd like to think otherwise, as I've said to people before, I really like the latin phrase, "Respice, Adspice, Prospice". It means, look behind, look here, look ahead. People look behind to determine their mistakes and to then apply their knowledge to the now and the future, and also to enjoy moments past. People look to the present to provide for themselves an enjoyable future, and attempt to make life better by not repeating past unfavorable actions. They look to the future because that's the one thing can yield everything we desire. Anything people can want to have, see, or do is contained within the future and it's what we toil for by living out our present, and reliving our past.

Back to how that relates, I look the at past, and when I look at the present I see the same shit. I think the future will continue to be more of the same, because of the past trend.

I want somebody to grab my hand and take me somewhere new, not everyday, but bring my life out of the small realm it's contained in, and to show me what more there is. I cannot do it alone, but I cannot find anyone, or maybe I should say anyone cannot find me.

I want something more, but it's a pseudo game of where's waldo where the typical man in the stripes is an object I've yet to pick, making it a rather hard game.

The glow is fleeting

When you know better

It always starts, the same way, I have this feeling inside me, I know it might not turn out right, but maybe this time if I try.

No

No, the thing is that "feeling" is a wrongful little bastard, that gut feeling is in your gut and not your head for a reason. The thing is, your head is where all the thinking happens, every time you go against what the thinking sector figured out, what do you believe is going to happen?

What I mean by hating knowing better is taking a chance with something, something that doesn't seem coherent at the time, or something that seems doomed to fail. You chance it because you got that gut feeling, but what the hell does your gut know? Your gut isn't even anything in specific, it's a whole region that does nothing but take food and move it out your ass, why should that have any play into the decision making process.

It should not, and yet it seems to weasel its way into many choices, and when things turn sour, which they always do for me when I rely on the ol' gut, I can't help but feel self deprecating because I literally knew better. My brain said, "Hey you know Adam, that's not gonna happen" And I literally said fuck you mind, this stupid thing in my belly says otherwise.

I think we believe the gut because it's always optimistic, and the brain is vastly more cynical. The brain is a seasoned veteran of life and knows the worst is always yet to come, but the gut always looks to hope. If only the gut wasn't always more prominent, maybe the cynical and restricted brain would be able to do its job and make us happier people.

Not today

I don't want to

Eight Stiches and a Cleansed Conscious Later....

I feel like a better person

It's always all at once

I was just with my grandmother.

I have full reason to believe she's going to die today, or sometime early tomorrow morning.

I'm sitting here complacently writing this and I'm more concerned with why I still cannot cry.

My grandma was sitting down and suffered a head injury getting up and knocking against a cabinet. I witnessed her bleed for what felt like long enough for every drop to vacate her body. I managed to grab gauze and a rag and call my mother who whisked her away to a hospital where she is currently.

Blood. My grandmothers blood. It was a scene to take in, it was too much to see. Why me right now, I don't need these, I don't need all of these things all at once. I helped her but I could have helped more. Should she die I'll always wonder if I had acted sooner maybe she would have been fine, should I have done something more useful than what I did maybe I could have still had my grandmother in a weeks time.

She was 71. I spent many weekends at her South El Monte home, I spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas there, every Easter and every Fourth of July. It's the nexus for holidays and family times within my household, and now that she won't be around anymore I'm certain my grandfather will quickly pass on as well and develop problems long before his true time. It's going to be an empty home, made only emptier because the memories will be too powerful for the rest of the family to want to visit anymore.

Why can they cry. Why right now can they feel. I want to miss her. I want to mourn her premature passing, I want to feel everything I'm not right now. I know I'm not alone, but I wish I had somebody. Some day I'll either have a girlfriend or a therapist, and whichever finds their way into my life first is going to have to unravel my brain to make me okay, because there's so much I don't understand about myself right now that it will take somebody who truly cares to dig into the mysterious void and make things right.

My fucking grandma is bleeding in a hospital right now. It's so immense. I fucked it up for everyone else, I directly had a part in her dying, and effectively killed her, am killing my grandfather now, my father should suffer some sort of heart attack I'm certain (the man takes 4 kinds of heart medications due to a 40% reduced blood flow because of incredibly unhealthy levels of cholesteral and blood pressure) and no doubt my own mom will be stirred by her mothers passing.

And here I am, smacking on a keyboard telling five people who maybe sort of care about all of this. Why am I not stirred by all of this, it's really bothering me. I'm like a James Bond martini, shaken but not stirred and this is not how things are meant to be.

Not for me, nobody deserves all of this at once, but me?

To quote a very wise woman, "Fuck Everything"

What's even wrong

Sometimes you can't do anything right and it's disappointing to know your just being a disappointment. Some people are born helpful and then some people really want to be helpful but they suck and can't pull it off.

I used to think I didn't suck but it turns out I don't pull it off well enough to avoid the broad definition suck encompasses. I really wish the words I said had impact, I think if I were knowledgeable people would say, "Yeah hey Adam your right, that made a lot of sense and now I feel better". I don't make sense all that much but sometimes when I do I feel happy for a moment and I smile because I know I incurred that same feeling in someone else.

When I smile I really savor the moment because it's really nice for second, it's nice that whatever happened had enough significance to change my demeanor for a moment because god knows I've been in this dreadful mood and no matter what I attribute it to it's a dilemma I cannot solve. I assign problems to the emotion and when I solve those individual problems and nothing changes it's just hollow because I don't even know why things are the way they are.

Soon I'll be done with High School. Soon I'll be 18 and soon I'll be an adult as far as the United States is concerned. How about as far as I'm concerned. Adults arn't like this, children arn't like this either. It takes a special breed of lost teenager to delude themselves into thinking that come four months when they turn 18 that magically maturity comes with having more than seventeen candles on a birthday cake.

What's even wrong, I ask that question, what is wrong. What am I doing wrong and the answer is ever elusive.

What this all means

My brain is a crazy, haphazard Grand Central Station, with trains departing at all manners of the incorrect time, no schedule to speak of. In that station things just happen when they happen, and the occasional collision sends the station into a frenzy. It is in this manner I feel like everyday with my mind is like running with scissors for me, there's always the danger I'll trip and fall.

Like anyone else, having a venue to rant and rave about my failures, shortcomings, or even the occasional delight is incredibly therapeutic, and time will tell if this holds true for me. I hope by doing this others can gain insight into my life, because the few and far between that choose to read over this stream of consciousness should be informed of all the things I have to say anyway.

Anyway, today is more of a trial post than anything, nothing interesting today except my fifth drivers test failure. Sort of devoid of emotion for now, too much going on to care. My dog passed away yesterday and I buried him myself, without shedding a tear. I'm not claiming to be manly or anything, I cry a lot, this was just sort of a pleasant passing, and I was glad my family didn't need to put him to sleep. All said and done, one would think after 13 years I'd shed a tear for his passing but it's funny how things surprise you from time to time.